Let me let you in on a secret...

It's completely normal to be scared, anxious, and just downright nervous about becoming a new mom. I've had so many ups and downs throughout the past nine months, that at 38 weeks, I am finally settling into just being excited. Many moms think they are being helpful when they tell you how wonderful their pregnancy was, how grueling their labor was, or even sharing extremely intimate details concerning bodily functions most ladies like to pretend don't exist.

I am one of those crazy pregnant ladies who has disliked every minute of the past 38 weeks. I thought I was a terrible person for it too - it made me feel like I would be a bad mom. Don't get me wrong, I love every single time little man moves in my belly or when I feel him hiccoughing for what seems like hours. I'm stoked to see the little guy and would not trade the world for the joy of becoming a mama, but I admit, pregnancy is just not my thing. 

Everyone has a different experience. 

Let me clue you in on a little secret - you are not a "bad" woman for having a rough time during pregnancy!! It's natural to be scared, to be aggravated, frustrated. During my first trimester, I was a wreck. I felt as though the world was caving in on me, like I could never amount to being the type of mother I should be. I cried constantly and had to talk myself out of feeling as though I couldn't do anything right. I had a dear friend who went through the same emotions with both of her children and told me what I really needed to hear; life's not going to stop. You will keep learning, you'll make mistakes. You're job is to be the best you can be and to remember - it's ok to ask for help!

I have always been maternal in my demeanor - during high school I was the one who carried a case of water, first aid kit, and blankets in the back of my Jeep for sudden road trips or emergencies. I would buy dozens of donuts and gatorades for summer wake boarding or surfing adventures with friends. Deep down, I know being a mama is what I've always wanted. My worries were less about what was changing in my daily life and more about the millions of ways I had the potential to screw up in my new role as a mother. I've read blogs, books, magazines, and listed to the advice of many. I respect so many of the women in my life and, while I may not always agree with the advice given, I appreciate the fact that they are there to lend a helping hand. I want to be that outlet for new moms too. 

Knowing that someone else has been just as terrified as you are means so much more than listening to another woman go on and on about how much she loved pregnancy. Knowing that someone else was sick for months, that bed rest is a real possibility, that you can have serious emotional breaks that result in you taking an hour long bubble bath to ease your worries is, well, helpful. I love each and every person that reads this and I hope that through these scribbles and entries you find your own strength and power to be the mom you are meant to be. 

You are strong.
You are beautiful.
You are going to be fine.

Whether your pregnancy was meticulously planned, medically coaxed, or happened by surprise, one thing is certain your life will never be the same.
- Catherine Jones

My day dreams.

Albert Einstein once said, "“If you want your children to be intelligent, read them fairy tales. If you want them to be more intelligent, read them more fairy tales.” A brilliant statement from a man who was constantly caught day dreaming, imagining more than the reality around him. What more can be said of the potential of children than exposing them to the wonders and whimsy of fantasy and fairy tales? Children are constantly reminded of the daily responsibilities, hardships, and reality of the world around them. Why not allow them to explore the inescapable bliss that surrounds the fantastical  fables that have been handed down through generations or made up on the spot by a parent who is tucking their child into bed? I didn't realize the importance of imagination, of dreams. That is, not until December 1, 2012. 

November 30, 2012, I bought a pregnancy test from Target. I had every symptom you would associate with your first trimester, but I was still mildly in denial. My boobs were so incredibly sore, I threw up constantly, I had a tiny pooch on my otherwise flat stomach. My boyfriend and I had joked about it before, but it all seemed surreal. The next morning, I woke up and peed on a little plastic stick that had the potential to change my life forever. Instantly, even without waiting the three minutes the box suggests, there was a tiny plus sign. I left the test on our bathroom counter and snuck out of our room to head downstairs. All I could think to do was clean until my man woke up. I scrubbed the kitchen, made sure the dishes were in order, and shortly after, heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He had seen the test and was slyly smiling. I broke down in tears and couldn't get my emotions in order. It was this strange amalgamation of worry, elation, fright, and anxiousness. Never before have I been so jumbled, so completely unsure of what to do. 

I told my parents that night and scheduled a doctor's appointment for that week. There was no doubt - I had a bun in the oven. Worry turned to impatience - every doctor's appointment allowed me see, hear, and feel more of my little one. I wanted to constantly hear the little heart beat on the fetal monitor, see as many ultrasounds as possible, and feel the dance party for one that took place in my belly. We didn't keep it a secret, we let everyone know when I was about 8 weeks pregnant (roughly a week after we found out). It was kind of difficult to hide my morning sickness that lasted about 18 hours every day, my extreme fatigue, and my lack of accepting a glass of wine or bottle of beer. 

I must say this; I really, truly dislike being pregnant. It has been a rough go the last 8 months. Severe morning sickness, gestational diabetes, and anemia are just a few of the things that made this pregnancy a constant issue. I would not trade any of it for the world, but for anyone reading this, know that some people do have wonderful pregnancies. Some women love everything about being pregnant. I had so many friends telling me how much they missed being pregnant, that they wished they could be again. For any women out there who are on the opposite end of the spectrum, know that you are not alone. 

I am 37 weeks and 2 days pregnant now with a little boy on the way. He's perfectly healthy, weighing in at about 7 lbs and measuring a week ahead of schedule. I love this little man more than life itself and would go through hell and high-water to make sure he is loved, cared for, and nurtured. He has the choice of being whatever he wants to be, perspective that no one else has. As he grows into the man he's meant to be, I will be there the entire way. 

These writings and ramblings are for the world to read, but for me to document my life since becoming a mama. I relish in the fact that the internet can hold the thoughts of so many different people with the ability to unite individuals who share common bonds. If we are able to connect wherever we are, we have the potential to give everyone a shoulder to cry on, laughter to share, and hope to spread.

I wish you all the happiest of days and the sweetest of dreams.